First Date or Worst Date?
Do you remember your first real date? Well, I can’t forget mine if I tried. While dining with family at Red Lobster, I met a flirty waiter. He was so handsome and his chocolate skin was so smooth and looked even better against his pearly whites. While getting ready to leave, flirty waiter summoned up enough courage to ask for my phone number. A week later, we have our first date.
First red flag... he had no transportation or access to a vehicle whatsoever, meaning I had to drive. But, I’m 16 and anxious to get this first date under my belt. When I get to his house, I call to let him know I’m outside. Y’all... this was NOT the same guy I met at Red Lobster. Let me say it again for the people in the back.. this was NOT the same guy. Can’t be..... flirty waiter was FINE. I mean FOINE! Damn Red Lobster and their mood lighting! But, it’s too late now, I’m already committed.
He asks me if I wanted to meet his mom. Not really, I’ve barely met you! But, I smile and say “Suuuuure! I’d LOVE to meet your mom!” I go in the house to meet his mom and then hop back in the car. Another flag... He’s says, “I hope you liked her. She’s going through a divorce right now so...” Now I’m thinking and hoping it’s not showing on my face... ”dude, I don’t really care about yo mama and her situation. I didn’t even need that information.” She really was a nice lady though.
I get ready to drive off and he asked me to stop because his uncle hadn’t arrived to bring him money for the date. Now, I’m like OMG y’all couldn’t have done all this BEFORE I got here!?
We finally go to the movies, which I have always thought was a dumb first date idea. You can’t get to know a person at a movie theater.
I will say that Flirty Waiter was a complete gentleman. He opened doors and everything. I did think it was odd that he kept offering to hold my purse. like no, I’m good, jeez.
So we’re watching the movie and he keeps asking me something. I really don’t know what he’s saying, but I just say no and hope it’s a good answer. He asks a fourth time and I finally just say yes because I was sick of him asking. Y’all... this dude reached over and put his arm around me. Turns out, he was asking if I was cold the entire time so that he could have a reason to put his arm around me. Like, just go for it or don’t. Then he kept stroking my shoulder with his index finger... back and forth, back and forth... it was just driving me nuts. I felt like I was on a reality show and the cameras were going to come out at any minute and Ashton Kutcher would let me know I was being PUNK’D.
After awhile, he leans in and asks me what I’m thinking about.............. WHAT?? I wanted to walk out that theatre like that viola davis gif of her leaving the room in disgust. If this was a show, imagine him asking me that and then all the characters would all freeze except for me. Then I’d look at the camera and back at him.
My thoughts...THE MOVIE!!!! IM THINKING ABOUT THE MOVIE!! I can tell you what I’m trying NOT to think about. I’m trying NOT to think about your index finger repeatedly crossing my shoulder. I’m trying NOT to think about how I’m not even sure I’m on a date with the right person. I’m trying NOT to think about why you kept asking to hold my purse.
Okay, the movie is finally over and I take him home. The end, right? Y’all... tell me why this dude wouldn’t get out the car!? He wasn’t even talking about anything! I was ready for him to exit stage left!
His mom, remember her, she’s going through a divorce and all, pulls up about 15 minutes after we do. He was actually stalling because he wanted me to see the hydraulics on her car.
She approaches my car, leans into the window to thank me for taking him off my hands. we share a few laughs and then they start talking about their dinner plans for the next day; more things I don’t care about. Ummm.... can you guys move this conversation IN the house and OUTSIDE my car. She goes in the house and he’s STILL IN MY CAR!! After quite a few very kind “well alright thens” he finally got the hint that this train wreck of date had come to an end.
Let this be a lesson to all, if at first you don’t succeed, make sure you have a plan to flee the scene.